12 November 2014

I know I'm stupid,I don't like to compare but people around me is too good.  I've little of knowledge I'm a slow learner I'm not good in everything, people I know some had own their own business they know what they want in future they know what they are heading to. I'm happy for them. There is pressure pushing me sometimes I feel a bit left out cause I don't know understand it's like in alien language to me that's why I don't like to talk much. I don't know what I want, I don't know where is the start, I don't know what to do. People always said there is strength and weakness in everyone, but all I could see is all my weakness. 

16 October 2014

I haven been updating my blog for a long time, when is the last time I cried ? I feel so lost, I couldn't do things properly and with my fuck up attitude. I want to apologize to those I had offended, I'm really sorry. I had failed my final theory again ! It's the 3rd time, I'm getting tired people said those who really put in effort will be successful but how about me ? I'm always trying my best to make things works, yes, indeed I'm stupid, I'm slower than other people out there, I'm still trying so hard to catch up did anybody notice about it ? Getting tired of my life why must I live to suffer, why fate is playing with me? Everything I do is not going smooth I'm really pissed , What did I done wrong ? Can anybody tell me ? When I'm into something nobody is supporting to me. Seriously can I just die I feel so tired there's nothing worth for me to remember . Everyday I'm always trying to cheer myself up telling myself today it's another new day. I feel that people around me is drifting away day by day, I'm not thinking too much I'm trying hard to change but I failed. 

29 July 2014

Just a random post today, drink drank and drunk finally im sick LOL. Something cross my mind feel really terrible cause can't really express myself out. Hmm.. feel like i'm a third party in anywhere i'm, sigh ~ just don't like that feeling. Maybe somedays i'll be important in somebody life,really wanted to be appericated.

Anyway ! TODAY IS MY BROTHER'S 18TH BIRTHDAY ~ wooohooo ... Just a few words, hope he can be more guai don't let parents worry and be more mature and THINK.. we'll always be here for you > >3 3 

19 July 2014

After a week of hell in work, finally I've time to update. Out of a sudden I lost interested in everything in life, work, friend. Tired to think, attitude getting back to worst. I couldn't think of anything. Think I really need a short break. I'm drinking to numb myself, fuck my life ! My mind just went totally blank. Tired tired tired.. 

Work,

I don't know since when it affecting my work, now I seems to ignore all the problems. I couldn't really think of a way to solve it, i feels like shit. I just can't really do what am I suppose to do. Sigh ~ how ??

Friends,

Now, I'm like not interested catch up with my friends, I lost topic with them. I don't know how to help them, when they needed help so much. Hais, human is weird when you finally have somebody out there but ... 

Suspect that I had Orthostatic tremor (OT)

Went to sgh today, to do my nerve obersavtion test first experience, was really terrified watched some videos on YouTube and scared myself -.- Spend about 15 mins to wait for my turn, the test start with a little voltage to the strongest voltage on both my arms and legs, was being marked with a pen and some measurements, I can't really take the pain T.T especially when she adjust it to the strongest part, the test took about 1 hour to complete, there goes my money.

Next appointment date is on the 30th of this month, hopefully will find out what happen. Visited hospital last year because of my migraine but everything is fine after that. This year again .. Hais, I'm feeling OLD ! 

 

20 June 2014

Future .. 

This few days have been thinking a lot of stuff in my mind and learned a lot, like not to run away from problem be brave and face it solve it. I'm good at helping people but when comes to me I choose to ignore it and always knows there gonna be people helping me to settle it, I gotto learn to be more independents. Regardless work, outside world. I should understand that people around me won't be there forever. 

Relationship stuff seriously it's not as easy as I thought especially at my age, it's really hard to make a decisions. It's so complicated ! I always wanted one so badly, when somebody is always there for you at any moment.Till I saw a few cases, which really stop me and makes me think about it or most probably I'll be single for the rest of my life and become a nun. 

Work wise there are so so much changes till I'm numb, when you try to speak out but you're actually talking to the wall. Feeling really exhausted everyday ! Don't even feel like going to work .The place is not I've been in the passed 2 years it so different and looks so unfamiliar. I used to work with interesting people around me joking everyday I enjoy working, wake up excitedly thinking what will happen each day what lame jokes what lame things will happen . Everyday passed so fast with this people. Now lots of wars here and there, lots of do and donts once made the wrong move you're dead. For me now everyday facing the screen quietly, don't even feel like talking, say what also wrong as well just shut the fuck up. People who knows me well, I'm a person with full of rubbish when I stop talking means I really had enough. Now I wish to save up and process with further studies to get at least a cert and look for another job I know it is not simple,but I'm willing to try. 

Project superstar didn't turn out well, but it's ok at least I gain some experiences, pray hard those epic scene won't appear on tv T.T and ruin my reputation. I'll work even harder for my further upcoming competitions, I want to be known. I want to let those people who ever look down on me, people who left me to regret. I want my whole family to be proud of me, I want to bring them a better life , I want to give the best to them. 

Rant ~ 

Unknownshira 

9 June 2014

I've done something really bad ! Feeling damn guilty and I had committed a sin which cannot be forgiven, just hating myself so much. I almost get somebody in deep shit ! I shouldn't be drunk, I should had even STOP my nonesense. I shouldn't pull people to get invole in this,  Now whatever I said it's pointless now. I'm fucking stress, lost and don't know what to do anymore, because of this dumb relationship stuff, this is the first time in my life I did this stupid stuff. In the past I don't really give a shit about it. Now I'm totally CONFUSE ! Although the answer I get today is not I want, but at least now I know and stop my daydreaming. Alright, I think I need sometime to adjust myself back to normal, have been in a really emo mood nowadays, the pain I'm suffering who know it ! sometimes don't feel like living anymore. I'm such a trouble maker. STRESS ! But I still need to say ..

I'm sorry, no matter how much apologize I had said today not going to turn the clock back.I seriously feel bad, I think you must had regretted knowing me, then everything will not happen. I don't know what I can do for you to make you feel better or try to forget this, but I promise you from now onwards if you need any help, I'll do my 100% to help you. I think that is the best thing I can do for you.

6 June 2014

Here looks so dead, I should update some entries tonight, met 1 whole bunch of interesting people recently, it's was amazing didn't even thought of that. OMG ! I meeting new FRIENDS.. I realize I become a bit out spoken than last time, I use to be damn quiet when I'm in a totally new environment or meeting up with new peoples.

Ok I finally took a one big step to achieve my dreams, I took part in project superstar not very sure I'll passed my first round of audition a not, I'm actually quite scare this is the first time when I'm alone, holding so much stress, but it's ok everything is over if I didn't get selected, I can only blame myself not to be well discipline but I really enjoyed the time I spent ^^. Lots of encouragement, lots of support from friends and colleague .I'm always a low esteem person in everything except for my passion in singing. 

I always think that when I lost something, the world is coming to the end, but now I've different prospect of thinking now, why must I really care when I'm the one is getting hurt most of the time and the one suffering when another person is being happy with life ? LOL ! I don't want to be so stupid anymore it's time for me to really wake up and think, people come and goes say is easy but when really come in real life who can really handle it well ? Had you really tried losing someone who is so important in your life before and it's gone now. Guess I've lots of experience in that. HAHAHA .I must really be more independent, there is still so much of things to do in life, I want to get my license I want to drive them out, I want to bring them overseas, I want to work hard in work, I want to earn lots of money, I want to be notice,  I want to be appreciated, I want to be strong !! 

Jiayou I can overcome everything, it just take sometimes to do it and one step at a time to fulfill what I want to do. Change to be a better person. I believe I can do it !! 

26 March 2014

Blogging time, didn't really have time to update everyday being so tired had been drinking almost every night seriously to put myself to sleep who will understand that kind of feeling I got no choice, if not I couldn't sleep, i really have been thinking a lot. The past when we're out for dinner or drink talking rubbish talking about life ,although it's just a few hour I cherish every moment but now everything seems to be so different I can't find anyone out there to talk to say how Im feeling,even during work  whenever I think about it I don't know when we become so far apart each other, I don't even know when this happen , those moments when we're disturbing each other seriously I feel like crying when I think back I've been controlling all the time when my tears is about to drop, seriously I admit I'm WEAK, I'm soft spoken person those people who knows me well knew I don't really talk that's the true me people could easily make use of me or can find me whenever they're bored or lonely or etc ... I've repeated myself too many times I'm tired I don't want to repeat myself again. If you think that I have been thinking too much asked yourself how close we are in the passed ? Don't you find any different last time and now ? If you don't get it never mind let it be the passed, I'll try my very best to forget everything take it as it never happen before I'll try to act like normal I won't care anymore,let it be, let me to be emo.  I'm tired of explaining, saying what's on my mind , everyone got their life to live on, I couldn't change much. I gotta let it go.

14 Jan 2014

This is my first post for this year, everything is not smooth at all although it's a NEW YEAR. i might offense people at times but seriously I doesnt mean it hope people don't take it to heart, have been quite moody nowadays don't really want to talk or meet friends. I know everybody have their own life Im quite irritating but who knows most of the time I've nobody to talk to ? Im afraid like destroying people happiness when I really really didn't do anything wrong but turn out to be my fault when I meet those friends who is attached too regularly their partner isn't happy with me. Yes I'm lonely, I'm isolating in a corner quietly till no one actually realize I exist. I feel lost, getting older and older by days when I turn around actually I left with nothing.The dreams, plans everything is gone. I didnt do anything bad why am I in this state. Every year is getting WORST. Emo-ing T.T  I really give up everything I don't wish to think how I wish I'm in coma state so I won't think about anything then everybody can just forget about me. Life is too stress and tiring for me. 

Self reflect

All promises is just a lies to me, the only thing is disappointment what else ? Everyone is just letting me down, making me hard to trust anyone now Why ? Or am I too easy to get cheated ? 

Future

I'm turning 21 in just a few days time, starting to think what I want to do ? How to achieve a better life for my family and me ? I still lots of things not done, I want to study, I want to continue my music path, I want to learn piano,drums and guitar. I want to earn lots of lots of money, money is never enough in this society T.T 

Daily life

Boring ~~ work go home watch dramas and sleep, next day, wake up work then home zzz.. I'm gonna turn into a mushrooms soon.